Flakes vs. Dumbasses
By Scott Cunning
Over at CityFlirting, Dan offers up an all-too-common exercise in dating futility:
I think these stories both happened within a month of each other. Close enough that I began to think I was bringing people together as I moved through life. The first story happened at The Breadline, a sandwich and salad place in DC. The owner of the breadline will come out and chat with you, describing how much work went into the special. Turns out he's also married to Ann Tyler, the novelist.
Anyway, I was standing in line and turned around to see this short dark-haired beauty whom I'd run into just the week before. And, before that, I'd seen her at law school. Never talked to her, but I'd seen her. She'd seen me too, and we talked. I proposed lunch, she seemed happy with the idea, and gave me her number.
Next week I called her.
"Lunch?" I asked.
"Lunch? I can't do lunch," she said, sounding alarmed.
"No?"
"I'm engaged!" she said.
Leaving me to wonder, did this just happen? Or had it slipped her mind when we were standing in line?
This is disturbingly common. So common, in fact, that it lends the perfect rebuff to the self-deprecating idea in the next post, Lunch, like food? Or lunch like, you know, other stuff?
I'm not sure what the topic was, but I know we guys can often be described [as dumbasses]. Anyway, regarding the story in Saturday's post about the woman who agreed to lunch, but turned out to be engaged, one visitor offers this possible explanation:
"Also, you're sure "lunch" proposed in the queue sounded the same as "lunch" proposed on the phone? There's lunch and there's, y'know, lunch.
Maybe I'm being too generous and she really is a flake, but I'd just want to be quite certain that it wasn't you who changed from bakery to phone."
Well, I know I changed from excited, in person, to nervous, on the phone. But I tried to sound excited. More importantly, I don't think I was couching the original invitation in any "co-worker/friend/discuss something" package that was suddenly unwrapped. But it could have come across that way, anyway. Because I'm a guy and, well, a dumbass.
So, Singular Readers, which is it? Who is at fault--Flake, or Dumbass?
This is so easy, it's ridiculous.
The second post opens with an overheard comment on the state of men's cluelessness: "That's because we're women and we can multi-task. You're a man so you can only, you just, you're just a dumbass."
But ladies. Ladies. Please. I know you can multitask, I know your emotional intelligence runs rings around us. But you still can't have it both ways. Ever.
If men are the ones are such dumbasses, why do you assume we have the subtlety to be asking for your phone number for any other reason than the one reason we always ask?* If we are the dumbasses, then how come you can't tell our true intentions when we're asking? Which should be easy--we either want a date, or we say exactly what we do want (i.e., to study, to go over a proposal, to talk shop, whatever).
So, you're either horrible, cruel flakes--giving out the digits knowing full well you'll ultimately shoot us down--or dumber than a sack of phone numbers for not being able to decipher our simple code (code: "Can I have your phone number?"="I like you." This is not rocket science. It's not even Home Ec science). Which do you want it to be?
And spare us the, "It's hard to turn somebody down in person/I didn't want to hurt his feelings" line; you can't be in touch with your emotions and honestly think it's easier for the guy to get his hopes up after passing the first hurdle only to be shot down later. As hard as it is for you, you just completely short-circuited his brain for the next few days (you're going to be on his mind until he talks to you again) and set him up for a bigger fall. Flaky and selfish of you, getting his hopes up just so you don't have to watch him get hurt. Just say No if you mean No.
I'm sorry, but I have to find fault with the Flake, not the Dumbass. Dumbass may have miss-communicated with his tone, body language, facial expression or word choice--but then, so does every guy. You're quite a dumbass your own self if you're a woman who doesn't yet understand men's cluelessness about emotional intelligence. It isn't because we're ignoring it. We're also not talking with it. A person doesn't speak a language they don't understand. Yes, we may be giving off signals, but you need to stop reading them so intently--many of them don't say what we think they do (in truth, we probably don't think they say anything).
That guy who wants to do lunch, or coffee, or dinner, or anything? Unless he says, out loud--like, with words, those sounds made up of letters that, you know, mean things--that his intentions are something else, you know damn well what his ultimate interest is.
* - Yes, I'm aware that, once or twice, a man has asked for a woman's phone number for a reason other than romance or sex; however, his reason had been spoken out loud and was clearly, verbally known to both parties.
Filed under flirting and emotional intelligence.
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