Sick of Bein' Sick...
By the ExBF
I think there's something seriously wrong with me...
Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'; that's what we've been reading about all this time, right? Maybe so. All I know is that a couple of conversations I had last night just got me to thinking about my life, and just how much I've actually progressed in trying to get out from under the shadow of my past, and I wasn't too thrilled with what I saw. I should be better. I should feel better.
Not that I really feel bad, or sad, or depressed or anything....I'm just not sure I feel too much of anything lately...at least not like I should. Oh sure, I was pissed that X-Men sucked, and I'm excited about Superman, but those things don't count. But why is it I can get excited about someone else's movie, and not my own? I'm working on what is, for all intents & purposes, the project I've dreamed about since I was 10 years old...my own actual movie...and I'm treating it like it's just another job. In other words, I'm putting as little effort into it as possible, and even after all this time, I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that it's actually happening. And I sure don't want to feel this apathetic when I'm standing there on the set in a few months....I know I'll look back on it years from now & I'll never forgive myself. Now there's something I'm good at...never forgiving myself.
Ok, fine...I've had some rough things happen in my life in the past year...but I've had plenty of good things, too. And it's not like I sit and dwell on the bad ones...I just don't spend enough time thinking about the good ones. And I'm afraid I'm just used to doing that not; that it's become second nature. And I don't like that.
I started this blog almost a year ago now, ostensibly to try and figure out why all my relationships keep going to hell, and why I keep letting them...and letting it cast a shadow over the rest of my life. I've spent the last 20 years of my life living in the past, pining for the ones that got away, and overlooking those in my present because of it, somehow always trying to lay the blame for it all at Kara's feet, or Veronica's, or even Andi's. But I know I can't blame all my problems on my failed relationships anymore. Truth be told, I feel like I've dealt with a lot of those demons now, through this project. I spent almost a dozen years wondering every day about what might have happened between me & Kara, but since I finished writing her story a couple of months back, she's barely crossed my mind at all. When I say barely crossed, that means I might only think about her once or twice a week, but still, it's been a big step. I know something good has come out of writing all this.
But it hasn't solved everything. I still carry enough guilt with me to weigh down an army. Guilt about all the years I spent with Veronica, just wasting time in both of our lives & keeping us both from finding someone we might truly have been happy with; knowing the whole time that I shouldn't be where I was, but sticking around anyway. And yes, I know it takes two to tango, and it was her choice to be there, too....but I should have done the right thing long, long before I did. I feel like I literally stole part of her life away from her, and cost her the chance to have what she really wanted; a family, and the life that goes with it. She hung around as long as I would let her, and I let her because it was comforting to have her around, even knowing that she'd be better off elsewhere, and that if I cared enough, I'd see that she got there. But I didn't. Funny thing about it is, she's with someone else now, and hopefully happy finally. I'm here alone at 3 in the morning talking to you guys....
And that's only part of the guilt. I haven't even mentioned Roxanne yet....
But that's my own fault, too. This whole self-imposed relationship exile I've been on for 2 years now is a prison of my own devising. I know I don't have to be alone here, I just....am. I'm sure there is someone out there who would be here with me right now to take my mind off of it, if I would just let it happen. But, I can't seem to get excited or motivated about that part of my life again, either. Maybe it's just that the right person hasn't come along yet, but who's to say I'd know it if they did? Or if I'd react any differently? I sure as hell didn't when the right person came along before...
Speaking of whom, since all the drama a couple of months ago, my entire comminication with Roxanne since then has consisted of this e-mail exchange from few weeks ago.
ME: Hi...
HER: hi to you
ME: How ya' doin?
HER: crazy busy, but very well. you?
ME: I'm gettin' by. Just wondering how you were.
HER: i wish for you to do much more than just get by
ME: I wish for a lot of things....
Profound, I know.
When I told Lanie about that exchange, after she stopped slapping me, she asked me just how much longer I plan to keep putting myself through this...and I wished I had an answer for her. But I was too busy being slapped. I'm wondering now, though, if the real answer might be 'when I don't feel guilty about it anymore'. When I no longer stay awake at night knowing that I took her away from a promising career & a great life she had built for herself, only to bring her back down here & break her heart the first time I get a little freaked out. And then somehow convince her that I saw the error of my ways, only to do the same damn thing again almost immidiately. And no, I'm sure I didn't exactly make her switch teams, as it were, but I know damn well that it played some sort of factor; I know I said some things to her in the heat of the moment that would surely make me insecure with the opposite sex from then on if I were in her shoes. Things that weren't true. Things that I still feel guily about...
And yes, I know that other people's lives are their own, and I'm not responsible for them...but it's hard knowing that I made someoneI care so much about feel so bad. Again, and again...more guilt. But maybe that's not the answer; I mean, even if the guilt all magically dried up tomorrow, I'd still feel the same way about her...
But is that really what's wrong? Maybe. The time frame fits, since I don't think I've really been happy or excited about anything in about five years now. But I'm still not sure it's that simple. After all, when I look back on it, I wasn't feeling all that happy or excited when we were together in the first place. I know it wasn't anything to do with her, but she took the fall for it. So, what was it then? Sure, I had a lot of issues & stuff that I placed the blame on back then, and I know that was a lot of it...but was it all of it? Was I actually right in doing what I did? Could that be possible? Were we not supposed to be together in the first place, and my feelings back then were trying to tell me just that? Possibly...but my feelings aren't the most trustworthy ones in the world, so I wouldn't count on it.
So....hell, I dunno. I just know that I'm tired. And most of the time I can ignore it 'cus I'm so used to feeling that way, but sometimes I get hit in the face with reality, and I realize just how much of a mess I still am....and I'm tired of it. I feel like I'm back at square one here, in a lot of ways, even though I know I'm not really. I mean, I know I'm not crazy (not totally, anyway), I know I'm not depressed (I was depressed once, and I sure don't feel anywhere near that bad anymore), I know I'm not totally incapable of having a relationship if I were to actually keep my head in the present & try, I know that I have a lot of great opportunities ahead of me...but I take them all for granted, like I've always done. And now, I'm about to do something I've always wanted to do...and I'm sure I'll do it well...but I'd just like to be able to have a little bit of fun again.
I'd like to wake up with a smile on my face, and sing Journey songs loudly in the shower. I'd like to drive down the street & not see something that reminds me of an ex-girlfriend. I'd like to meet someone & not constantly compare her to someone else. I'd like to stop living in the shadow of every bad relationship I've ever had. And, above all, I'd really like to stop freakin' whining about it...
And yet here I still am. And now it's four in the morning....
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