The Ballad of X
By the ExBF
You know, once again, with everything that's been going on the past couple of weeks, I just haven't felt like living in the past here so much. I'm pretty sure that's been a big part of my problem all along. But then again, I get in these moods a lot, and I always fall back into it eventually.
In any case, I just haven't felt like writing about it all lately. I have felt like writing sometimes, but nothing that really belongs here. I've been thinking of starting up another blog, maybe; one that actually deals with the present, and doesn't have to exist solely under the shadow of my failed relationships...'cus I'm pretty tired of living there, myself. Not that I still don't want to finally bring all this up to date at some point, but there's something to be said for my day-to-day thoughts being separated from all this stuff I like to dwell on. Especially when I look at the cold hard facts; I haven't been motivated to even go on a date in 2 years now, but somehow I've managed to write about 500,000 words about women I haven't seen in a decade. You do the math.
It's not that I don't think I've been learning things about myself from doing this; I think it's been very good for me, overall. It just makes me think sometimes; the whole concept of it. I've been defining my entire life by this for so long that it's just become a part of who I am. I'm the guy with the one(s) who got away, and just can't get past it. I'm the guy that the lead character meets in a bar one night, who tells him some sad, poignant story about his past that puts everything into perspective for the hero & finally makes him resolve to go back & get the girl and face down the evil railroad baron & save the day. Sure, it's a good part & everyone who sees the movie remembers the guy...but I want to be the hero again for a change.
Then again, who knows; if there's one thing I have learned about myself, it's that there's no telling how I'm gonna feel when I wake up tomorrow. Like, when I woke up this morning, I still didn't feel like writing...but here I am. Right now, though, I feel like I've got get back to the future for a while...somehow. That doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, but I do need to quit dwelling, and I'm feeling more & more like that's what this project is all about. Shocking, I know. Whatever I do, I plan to keep blogging, 'cus no matter what's going on, I'm always gonna want somebody to listen to me whine about stuff....it's one of my basic needs.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I'm thinkin' about it...and I'm open to ideas. Stay tuned...
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