This week: Kate Hudson torn between two loves… Nicole Richie's weight obsession could kill her… Brad Pitt's mom can't stand Angelina Jolie… Pam Anderson Baby Watch… Jessica Simpson… Fergie… JonBenet…John Mark Kerr…

Let's get the `fluff' out of the way first - Both STAR and US WEEKLY think the Chris Robinson - Kate Hudson - Owen Wilson triangle is something we all are anxious to read about. Wrong! With headlines from the STAR tell us EXCLUSIVE … HOW CHRIS DROVE KATE INTO OWEN'S ARMS.. and US WEEKLY is peddling KATE'S CRISIS … TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVES … OWEN WILSON IS READY TO GET SERIOUS AS A GUILT-RIDDEN HUDSON ATTEMPTS TO MAKE PEACE WITH HER HUSBAND. Besides eye strain from endless headlines, that's about as much as Tabloid Tuesday cares to know about these three.

So, what else is out there in the world of tabloids this week? Alas, other than the ENQUIRER (which we'll save for last), not a heck of a lot.

IN TOUCH dredges up the old DOCTORS WARN… NICOLE'S WEIGHT OBSESSION COULD KILL HER … SHE'S DANGEROUSLY THIN, SO WHY IS NICOLE RICHIE DENYING THAT SHE HAS A SERIOUS PROBLEM? (Tabloid Tuesday wonders if the editors saw the OTHER tabs last week. You know, the ones that ran the same photos of a super-skinny Nicole a week ago…. Could there be something new in the IN TOUCH story? You'll have to look for yourself - Tabloid Tuesday can't stand the disappointment.

Staying with IN TOUCH, they also announce it's a PAM ANDERSON BABY WATCH! And JONBENET'S FRIEND OFFERS NEW INFO… now, we'll have to look at that one for a second… turning to page 26…. Hmmmm, oh yes. It's Thumper Gosney. She knew JonBenet when she was 6 years old - that was 10 years ago. And what “new info” does she offer? Well, let's just say it's about what one would expect.

Over at US WEEKLY, judge for yourself if there's anything of news value…. Headline: JESS: LOSES 8 POUNDS IN 2 WEEKS (must be Jessica Simpson)… Headline: IDOL'S MCPHEE … HOW I BEAT BULIMIA… Headline: FERGIE … AMAZING MAKEOVERS! (Yeah, that's what Tabloid Tuesday) thought, too.)

Alright, let's look at STAR - surely things are better there…. Well… here are three headlines: (1) BEYONCE'S $3 MILLION WEDDING…. (2) MIRACLE FACE-LIFT…20 MINUTES! NO SURGERY! PLUS: BEST SKIN IN HOLLYWOOD….(3) TEEN CHOICE: HOT FASHION AND GOSSIP!

Hmm, perhaps Tabloid Tuesday spoke too soon. But wait a minute, we forget the BIG story: BRAD'S MOM CAN'T STAND ANGELINA! FEUD ERUPTS: THEY WON'T EVEN STAY IN THE SAME HOUSE TOGETER! PLUS: SHE BEGS HIM TO GET BACK WITH JEN…

WHAT???? Angelina begs Brad to get back with Jen? Quickly turning to page 48….. reading…reading… oh…. Seems Angelina didn't beg Brad to get back with Jen… according to the story “In fact, Jane (Brad's mom) is still close with her ex-daughter-in-law, and, adds the source, “She'd like nothing better than to see Brad get back together with her.” Mrs. Pitt has even told both Brad, 42, and Jen that she's hoping for a reunion.”

So…. no one really begged Brad to get back with Jen… and what about Brad & Angelina's child, Shiloh… seems a bit short on logic.

And finally, here's the ENQUIRER. What else would you expect but everything you could ever want to know about the weird John Mark Karr…. The cover story of this week's ENQUIRER announces: JONBENET MURDER SUSPECT … HE DIDN'T DO IT! NEW WITNESS CRACKS CASE … WHERE HE REALLY WAS MURDER NIGHT … SUSPECT'S DOUBLE LIFE …. PLUS.. HIS BEST FRIEND TELLS ALL: `I SAW HIM DRUG 13-YEAR-OLD GIRLS.'

Did that get your attention? If you want to find out more than anyone needs to know about this strange little man, the ENQUIRER packages up 9 pages packed with photos and inside information. It's a tabloid dream come true.

THE MEN.COM WORST TABLOID HEADLINES OF THE WEEK: US WEEKLY AND IN TOUCH WEEKLY

Yup, it's a tie this week. IN TOUCH touting the old, old story about Nicole Richie's weight problem and running the tired and often used photo of her looking like a stick - only a week after the other tabs ran it for the 100th time - moved them to the top of the list.

US WEEKLY joins them because of the BORING page one headlines and personalities. Come on - FERGIE of the `Black Eyed Peas?' She's wonderful, she's talented, `London Bridge' was a chart topper - but a page one story about her makeover? But what's worse, it's only an evolution - compared to what she looked like 5 years ago! She looks great, but a page one story? Nothing else is happening to mankind or civilization or - gasp - even Hollywood?

THE MEN.COM BEST TABLOID HEADLINES OF THE WEEK: ENQUIRER

Not even close. Winner by a mile. The tabloid coverage of the JonBenet murder has been owned by the ENQUIRER since the tragedy occurred - and the info they've put together about John Mark Karr reads better than most detective novels. Congratulations and - here's something Tabloid Tuesday - seldom says - GO OUT AND BUY A COPY!

Best Quote of the Week: The folks at STAR quote Alicia Keys talking about her boyfriend Kerry Brothers: “I made him wait a year, because my body is too beautiful to be violated by someone who doesn't deserve it.” A whole year? Now, that's really patience.